If you're one of the women 40-65 who mentioned it sideways, had each piece handled alone, and let it drop, nobody has seen it all.
One piece at a time is how it got handled, and one piece at a time is how it stays. Everybody who looked was looking at the thing you brought them. So steal the 3 systems I use when somebody sits down and starts in the middle.
1. Whole-list system.
2. Order system.
Think about somebody handing you one ingredient a week and asking you to name the dish, an onion in March and a bay leaf in April and a piece of chuck roast in May, and by the time the last one shows up you've forgotten the onion, and not one of those people was wrong about the ingredient they were holding, they each had one thing and they did a fine job with the one thing… dish
Because it's rarely about which ingredient you mentioned and more so about whether anybody ever had all of them on the counter at the same time.
3. Nothing-too-small system.
The reason the women who get heard sound so organized is they stopped auditioning the list. They bring the whole thing, in the order it happened, including the part they usually apologize for before they say it.
#thewholething #nobodyhadallofit
One piece at a time is how it got handled. One piece at a time is how it stays.
This is for the woman who mentioned it sideways at an appointment about something else, had each piece handled on its own, and stopped bringing it up.
Everybody who looked was looking at the thing she brought them. Not one of them was wrong about the ingredient they were holding. That is what makes this so hard to see from the inside.
The carousel walks through what changes when the whole list arrives at once instead of one item at a time. Save it, or send it to the woman who keeps saying she's fine.
The part you usually apologize for before you say it is the part I want first.
#thewholething #nobodyhadallofit
If you're one of the women 40-65 who mentioned it sideways, had each piece handled alone, and let it drop, nobody has seen it all.
One piece at a time is how it got handled, and one piece at a time is how it stays.
Everybody who looked was looking at the thing you brought them.
Not one of them was wrong about the ingredient they were holding.
Nobody ever had all of them on the counter at the same time.
Bring the whole thing, in the order it happened.
Women 40-65: you mentioned it sideways, you heard it's just part of getting older, and you let it go.
I feel like nobody talks about the part where you stop bringing it up.
We see the woman who finally got listened to and we forget the years she spent raising it and getting a shrug.
And the internet loves the story where somebody works it all out in a week. This isn't one of those.
And because I'm always straight up with you, when I opened my own place and started taking the long way with people, asking about everything instead of the one thing written on the form, was I worried it made me look slow? Of course.
But looking back, I'm SO grateful for every one of those long appointments, because they taught me what people leave out, how they say it when they finally do say it, and how much has already been handled separately before anybody gets to me.
So if you're in a season where you've stopped mentioning the thing, don't assume it stopped counting.
And I promise you the one you bring up sideways is a subject all by itself, right NOW.
So give yourself permission to say the whole list out loud!
You're not complaining. You're describing 💛
Tell me what's been going on. The whole thing, not just the part you usually lead with 🙏
You stopped bringing it up, and somewhere in there that started to feel like a decision you made rather than one that got made for you.
Everybody agrees it's part of getting older. That is the part worth arguing with.
Here is what changed my mind about it. The women who sit down and go through the whole list are not complaining, and they are not being thorough for the sake of it. They are describing something, and the description is the useful part. The ones who get somewhere are not the ones with the shortest list.
So no, I don't think the sideways one is a footnote to the reason you came in. I think it is a subject, and it gets treated like one here.
Save this if you have been rounding your own list down.
#thewholething #saidsideways
Women 40-65: you mentioned it sideways, you heard it's just part of getting older, and you let it go.
Nobody talks about the part where you stop bringing it up.
We see the woman who finally got listened to and we forget the years she spent raising it and getting a shrug.
Those long appointments taught me what people leave out.
They taught me how much has already been handled separately before anybody gets to me.
The one you bring up sideways is a subject all by itself.
Say the whole list out loud.
Women 40-65: you were told everything looks normal, you tried a few things, and you stopped expecting to be believed.
I hear all the "rules" about how to be a good patient, but the women who finally get heard? They're breaking about half of them.
(Nobody tells you that part…)
If you want an easy place to start, write it down before you go:
• put it all on one page (the sleep, the weight, the hair, the mood, whatever you'd list, all on the same sheet)
• date the one you noticed first (not when it got bad, when it started)
• write down what you've already been told, including the visit where everything came back NORMAL
That's what actually works, and it changes the first 5 minutes of the conversation right now 👀
Follow along for the questions nobody gives you time to ask 💛
And if you'd rather not put it in a comment, send me a message and tell me what's been going on, the whole thing, not just the part you usually lead with.
Start with a page. One sheet, everything on it, in your own handwriting.
Most of the advice about being a good patient is advice about being brief. Pick your main concern, don't waste the appointment, don't turn up with a list. The women who eventually get somewhere tend to have stopped following that a while ago.
Here is the method, and it is three things, not a philosophy.
Everything on one page, so nothing has to be chosen over anything else. A date on the one you noticed first, because when it started is more useful than how bad it got. And what you have already been told, including the visit where everything came back normal, because that result is information too. It rules things out. It does not rule out that something changed.
None of this is about arriving with a theory. It is about arriving with the whole record, which is the one thing nobody has had in front of them yet.
Save this and write the page before your next appointment.
#thewholepage #everythingcamebacknormal
Women 40-65: you were told everything looks normal, you tried a few things, and you stopped expecting to be believed.
The women who finally get heard are breaking about half of the rules about how to be a good patient.
Write it down before you go.
Put it all on one page, whatever you'd list, all on the same sheet.
Date the one you noticed first. Not when it got bad, when it started.
Write down what you've already been told, including the visit where everything came back normal.
It changes the first 5 minutes of the conversation.
Why do women 40-65 who were told everything looks normal keep leaving with the same one question?
Nobody in that room ever got the order of it. Everybody got the version that starts wherever you happened to start that day. So steal the 3 systems I use when somebody sits down and I don't know yet where the beginning is.
1. Start-date system.
2. In-order system.
Think of a movie somebody showed you 10 minutes at a time, a piece in January and a piece in March and a piece in June, and every piece played fine and the picture was clear and the sound was good and not one of those nights was wasted, but by the time the last 10 minutes came around you'd lost the first 10, and if somebody stopped you on the way out and asked what it was about you'd tell them about whichever piece you saw most recently… beginning
Because it's rarely about which 10 minutes you're describing and more so about whether anybody ever ran them back in the order they happened.
3. What-came-with-what system.
The reason the women who get heard all the way through sound so sure of themselves is they quit starting in the middle. They start at the first thing they noticed, even when the first thing they noticed seems to have nothing to do with the reason they finally called.
#startatthebeginning #intheorderithappened
Everybody got the version that starts wherever you happened to start that day.
This is for the woman who has told it more than once and started somewhere different every time, because she began with whatever was loudest that week.
So the first thing I ask about now is when each piece started. Nobody had ever put them back in the order they arrived, and that turns out to be the part that was missing.
The carousel runs the same list back in the order it happened instead of in the order it got mentioned. Save it, or send it to the woman who has started in the middle every time she has had to explain it.
Where would yours start, if you began at the first thing you noticed instead of the worst thing?
#startatthebeginning #intheorderithappened
Why do women 40-65 who were told everything looks normal keep leaving with the same one question?
Nobody in that room ever got the order of it.
Everybody got the version that starts wherever you happened to start that day.
It's rarely about which 10 minutes you're describing.
It's about whether anybody ever ran them back in the order they happened.
Start at the first thing you noticed, even when it seems to have nothing to do with the reason you finally called.
Here's why the thing you mention last keeps getting handled on its own.
We watch somebody finally get taken seriously and we never see the stretch before it, the appointments where she led with whatever she thought was allowed and saved the rest for the parking lot.
I feel like nobody talks about the parking lot part.
And the internet loves the version where it all gets sorted in one visit. This isn't that one.
And because I'll always be straight with you, there were years where I wondered whether asking about everything was too much for somebody who came in about one thing. Was I second-guessing it? Every single week.
But I'm SO glad I kept asking, because it showed me what gets saved for last, why it gets saved, and how often the last thing said is the one nobody had heard yet.
So if you're saving something for the end of the appointment, don't assume that's where it belongs.
And I promise you the one you save for last is allowed to go first, starting NOW.
So give yourself permission to lead with the one you'd normally hold back!
You're not difficult. You're thorough 💛
Send me a message and start with that one. I've got time 💬
There is a conversation that happens in the parking lot, after the appointment, in the car, with nobody in it but her.
That is where the rest of the list goes. Not because she forgot it, and not because it stopped mattering, but because she made a call about what was allowed in the room and what wasn't.
The accepted wisdom is that you bring the main thing and you don't waste anybody's time with the rest. I'd argue the opposite. The last thing said is very often the one nobody has heard yet, which makes it the least wasteful thing in the appointment, not the most.
So there is no order of importance to get right before you start talking here. Start with the one you'd normally save for the car.
Save this if your real list only ever gets said in the parking lot.
#theparkinglotlist #saythelastonefirst
Here's why the thing you mention last keeps getting handled on its own.
There are appointments where she led with whatever she thought was allowed and saved the rest for the parking lot.
Nobody talks about the parking lot part.
Asking about everything showed me what gets saved for last, and why it gets saved.
The last thing said is very often the one nobody had heard yet.
The one you save for last is allowed to go first.
Why do women 40-65 hear everything looks normal and still know something changed?
Everybody's got "rules" about what's worth bringing up and what you're supposed to let go. The women who get taken seriously ignore about half of them.
(Good…)
If you want somewhere easy to start, change how you say it:
• say it as a change, not a complaint (I could do this a year ago and I can't now)
• say when it started before you say how bad it got (last spring, not lately)
• say the one you've already decided isn't related ANYWAY (that's the one I most want to hear)
That's what actually works, and it gets you a different kind of appointment right now 👀
Follow along for the part nobody has time for in a 10 minute visit 💛
And if you'd rather just say it to somebody, message me and tell me what's been going on, the whole thing, not just the part you usually lead with.
"I could do this a year ago and I can't now."
That sentence does more work than any description of how bad something is, and it is the one most women never get to, because they have been trained to lead with severity instead of with change.
So this is not about a longer list. It is about three small moves in how the list gets said.
Say it as a change, so the thing being reported is the difference and not the level. Say when it started before you say how bad it got, because the start date is the part nobody has. And say the one you have already decided is unrelated, because deciding what connects to what is not your job to do before you walk in, and the one you wrote off is the one I most want to hear.
Nobody is asking you to arrive with an explanation. Arrive with the change, in order, including the part you were going to skip.
Save this and say it out loud once before you go.
#sayitasachange #theoneyouwroteoff
Why do women 40-65 hear everything looks normal and still know something changed?
Say it as a change, not a complaint.
I could do this a year ago and I can't now. That sentence does more work than any description of how bad it got.
Say when it started before you say how bad it got.
Say the one you've already decided isn't related. That's the one I most want to hear.
It gets you a different kind of appointment.
It's not that your concerns are small. It's that they've only been looked at one at a time.
Every single one of them got a fair look. That's the part that makes this so hard to see from the inside. So steal the 3 systems I use when somebody has already been through this with other people.
1. Say-it-out-loud system.
2. Same-subject system.
Think of a song somebody played you one instrument at a time, the bass on a Tuesday and the drums a month after that and the piano sometime in the fall, and every one of them was played well and you'd have no complaint about any single track and you could hum any one of them back, but nobody ever put them on top of each other so you never once heard… song
Because it's rarely about whether each part was played well and more so about whether anything was ever playing at the same time as anything else.
3. No-apology system.
The reason the women who get taken seriously sound so calm about it is they stopped deciding in advance which parts were worth anybody's time. They bring the ones they'd normally leave at home.
#allofitcounts #saythepartyouskip
There is nothing wrong with any single piece of it. That is exactly why it stays invisible.
This is for the woman who has already been through this with other people, and who decided somewhere along the way which parts were worth anybody's time and which ones she would keep to herself.
So now I ask for the ones that get left at home. The list she edited down before she walked in is the list I want.
The carousel lays the parts on top of each other instead of one after another. Save it if you have an edited list, and send it to the woman who is still editing.
Which one did you decide not to mention this time?
#allofitcounts #saythepartyouskip
It's not that your concerns are small. It's that they've only been looked at one at a time.
Every single one of them got a fair look.
That's the part that makes this so hard to see from the inside.
The bass on a Tuesday, the drums a month after that, the piano sometime in the fall.
Nobody ever put them on top of each other.
Stop deciding in advance which parts are worth anybody's time.
Bring the ones you'd normally leave at home.
You tried the appointment. You tried waiting it out. You still bring it up sideways.
I'll be straight with you about something I don't say out loud much.
When I started out I thought the job was to be quick and to be certain. Was I wrong about that? Completely.
And we see the woman who finally got somewhere and we skip right past the stretch where she'd already told it more than once and gotten a different answer each time.
The internet loves the one where somebody cracks it on a Tuesday. That's not how any of this went for her.
But I'm SO grateful I found that out early, because it changed who I ask about, what I ask twice, and how long I'm willing to sit there before I say anything at all.
So if you've stopped expecting anybody to take the sideways one seriously, don't assume you're the reason.
And I promise you nothing on your list is too minor to be on it, NOT one thing.
So give yourself permission to bring the one you've carried the longest!
You're not too much. You're finally being specific 💛
Message me and tell me the whole thing, not just the part you usually lead with 🤍
I'll start with the part that doesn't flatter me. When I started out I thought being good at this meant being quick, and being certain, and I was wrong about that.
The accepted version says a good appointment is an efficient one. You bring the main thing, you get an answer, you go. And if you've been through that a few times and come out with a different answer each time, the conclusion you're invited to draw is that you're the complicated one.
I don't think you're the complicated one. I think a list that has been told more than once and answered differently every time is a list nobody has sat with from the start.
So what changed on my side isn't a technique. It's who I ask about, what I ask twice, and how long I'm willing to sit there before I say anything at all.
Save this if you've started assuming you're the reason it never goes anywhere.
#nothingtoominor #sitwithit
You tried the appointment. You tried waiting it out. You still bring it up sideways.
I started out thinking the job was to be quick and to be certain.
I was wrong about that.
She'd already told it more than once and gotten a different answer each time.
Finding that out changed who I ask about, what I ask twice, and how long I'm willing to sit there.
If you've stopped expecting anybody to take the sideways one seriously, don't assume you're the reason.
Nothing on your list is too minor to be on it.